MY Life As a Photographer

The time was back in 1980 when I turned 13 years of age and all I could think of was being a photographer. Now that I look back on it there is no doubt in my mind that this was in no small part inspired by those photographs I saw in the Vogue magazines my mother would keep in her shop, her being one of New York's top dress makers. There are those that may even find this odd but I actually found more in the way of sexuality and specially sensuality in those photographs in Vogue then the Playboy magazine's I had seen in my sister's apartment (her husband being a subscriber to this magazine) or the many other magazines of the same nature which were always to be found in abundance in my cousin's room out on Long Island.

Actually I had even grown bored of such magazines; finding that all they did was expose female nudity while adding very little of anything to excite the imagination let alone the desire in me to see more. Yes, they had allowed me to see the womanly body but after awhile I saw no mystery; when one day it happened while in my mother's office. I took to looking at a Vogue magazine and I was really taken aback and agitated. Men and women and though not revealing any part of their anatomies that I would not have seen on any other magazine; they were made to pose in such a way that raised my interest like nothing before. Some photographs even included women with other women, not even doing anything that could be considered overly suggestive but the way they were captured implied so much in its subtlety which might have been in the form of one woman sitting on another woman's lap or kneeling to her while holding her hand perhaps in an almost comic jest. Of course there were those that showed a group of men, sometimes two carrying a woman in away that at an earlier part of my life would have gone undetected by my eye but in this stage were making me take notice to the way it was possible to arouse the senses with just posses of beauty in clothes that perhaps had just as much sex appeal as nudity.

To a lot of the boys my age, such photographs like the ones to be found in magazines like Vogue might have seemed tepid. Them mostly being interested in looking at the more graphic pictures to be found in other magazines of a different nature however to me these photographs because of what they did not show but suggested might happen left me with a wish of seeing more. It was the not so subtle way a couple looked at one another or the way a woman's hand might be placed on a man, not on any part of his intimacy but with intensions of reaching, the sexually suggestive yet elegant way they were dressed that left me unfulfilled; longing to see more. This in a way was a great sensation as opposed to those nudity magazines I had known till then that because of their more explicit nature left my mind the moment they went out of my sight and did nothing to enhance my imagination.

It was also during this time that through commercials on television I became acquainted to the many cameras available. Minolta, Cannon and Olympus seemed like such interesting pieces of photographic equipment that allowed one to focus on the subject one was looking to capture. This was a feature that up till then I had not known cameras to have as the only one's that had ever come in to my hands were the ones on which all one did was point the camera at the subject in question and press the button. This was something I had never even considered, the idea of being able to focus on the subject. Naturally these cameras were very expensive, specially in those days so that year for my birthday my mother gave me a Polaroid camera to take with me on my first trip to Europe in a long time that would include stopovers in Italy, France and my brother's native country of Spain.

My brother-in-law however had an Olympus SLR (single lens reflex) which I very much enjoyed using even if it was only to look through as I rarely got to take photographs with it but it was those moments that I spent looking through the lens and focusing on many an object; weather they be at home or while looking out the window that I discovered what focusing was all about. I previously had been of the idea that focusing was the act of making the picture clear; much like one did with a television when one tuned it (of course, I am referring to those TV sets of the late 70s) instead of what it really was which was setting the distance between oneself and the object one was trying to photograph. It seemed so strange to me how one second an object that was so near was made clear while those that were further were not and then just a split second later those objects that had been so blurry were suddenly clear while those that had been clear were no longer even recognizable to the eye any more.

Perhaps it was just having fun but it made me see photography in a whole new way as before all it had been about was taking photographs of relatives posing usually on special occasions such as Christmas or birthdays or in places where we had been to; just to remember what had been. These photographs rarely were shown to any who were not in them and were usually kept in albums for the sake of having souvenirs but then as I looked at even everyday objects with this camera I started seeing photography as much more then a way of remembering last year's Christmas or things of the sort but as a way of creating art. I started to see how it was possible to photograph objects just so they might make an interesting photograph if nothing else.

It was also in 1980 that I observed for the first time what a zoom lens was and though I did not even know what it was called I knew it could bring me closer to objects in a way that at first glance seemed amazing as I will never forget the first time I had a chance to see it for myself. It happened in Rome while looking at the Coliseum from the large avenue that leads to it that my brother-in-law let me see what a zoom lens was all about. First he let me see the Coliseum with a 35mm lens then when my eye had gotten used to the view he suddenly did something to the lens while I was still looking through it that all of sudden and to my almost total shock made me feel as if some sort of force had pushed me toward the Coliseum. It was as if I had been placed in a very fast moving vehicle that had accelerated me toward it. I can not even claim that it seemed that the coliseum had increased in size or that it was as if it had been brought closer to where I was but the impression was one I will never forget as I have not experienced it since. Thrilling was how I would have described it then and perhaps because I had no idea of what would happen and when it did it even seemed amazing though looking back on that moment that is what it was all about. The fact that I had not expected it and nothing else specially since the view had only shifted from that of a 35mm lens to a 80mm lens.

As for the rest of the trip through Italy, France and Spain, it saw me take many a photograph with my Polaroid camera but none which I would keep for very long as this camera did not really lend itself to giving me the results I had seen with other cameras. As a matter of fact I ended up giving away most of these photographs to friends and relatives who strangely enough appreciated them more then I did though I must say it was a great thrill to take them. Perhaps it was just the thought that I was capturing on film all those landmarks which passed through my sight that summer such as the Coliseum, the tower of Pisa, Venice's Piazza San Marco and its canals and many others that made the taking of those photographs such a memorable experience, much more then the actual photographs. However regardless of what it was the memory of having taken those photographs will stay with me forever even if it did not take me more then a month to give them away after my return to New York.

As much as I had enjoyed taking those photographs, photography was not a hobby I followed up on my return to New York, this being much to my lament as other matters seemed to get in the way. It actually was not till many years later in 1986 when upon my return to New York after having spent most of the summer in Los Angeles and San Francisco; I bought a camera. An automatic focus Olympus 35mm camera with a 35mm lens which simplified taking photographs as all I had to do was aim and fire, this undoubtedly made taking photographs extremely easy and for awhile that is all I did. In a way it was strange when I think about it now so many years later how having a camera, even a simple one made me want to visit all those landmarks like the Empire State Building or the World Trade Center that I had never taken the time to see despite or perhaps because of having been born in New York.

Having this camera even gave me a sensation of being a tourist in my own city as I took photographs of all those places that so much attracted visitors from all over the world and perhaps for the first time saw what was so special about them. Ever since my 1980 trip to Europe I had been fascinated by photography but it was then more then ever that I really started to enjoy it and not just photographing those well known sights but even people in their daily lives or those things that most people take for granted like a subway station during rush-hour or the street I lived on which at the time was Lexington Av. between 82nd and 81st street.

With time I became more and more interested in experimenting with photography but eventually came to the realization that there was only so much I could do with a camera that could not be changed to manual focus so with this in my mind I waited till Christmas when with the money I got plus what I managed to save up bought myself my first SLR. It was my first camera which I could focus for myself as well change the lenses from its standard 50mm to a zoom lens that covered everything from 70mm to 200mm. To many it might seem odd but I actually made the purchase of this camera which like my first one was an Olympus on Christmas day of 1986 and immediately started shooting everything insight specially all the trappings of the holiday season such as Christmas trees and so many other things that composed this time of year.

With the coming of the new year my hobby turned in to a passion that saw me photograph not only many of New York's most famous places like the New York Metropolitan Opera but people, some of whom I knew and others whom I managed to capture on the street. By now the year was 1987 and the more photographs I took the less satisfied I became with the results as I never managed to get just what I was after as there always seemed to be something missing from my photographs. It seemed to me that my photographs did not have that certain something that made photographs special and lifted them in to that category of being art and try as I might and take as many photographs as I did I could not manage to get what I wanted. Of course one should take in to account that in those days photography was a much more expensive hobby then it is today as analog photography did not allow one the benefit of looking at one's photographs before one had them developed to see which ones were worth keeping.

However in all this it was not lack of the results I sought after that discouraged me but quite the opposite and by the summer of the same year I decided that I was going to become a professional photographer and why not? I was only twenty years of age and photography was something I enjoyed and felt I could do and earn a living from and in my attempt to become one I found a course in the mail which I signed up for. It was actually thanks to the material I got from this school that learnt the basics of photography that included some techniques which one was required to take what I would I refer to as a well taken photograph. Here I will list some of the ideas which I picked up from this course that helped me become the photographer I wished to be.

1) When taking a photograph, always remember that each photograph should tell some kind of story or have a message connected to it. For instance if one is taking a photograph of a person, then the message is that person or the person's expression or perhaps the beauty of that person may the person be male or female. The subject does not however need to be a person as it could be a landmark or a busy street; in that case the theme of the photograph might be to show how people go about their daily life in a big city. However in choosing a subject we should keep it simple and limit it to one subject per photograph, two or more makes for confusion.

2) After one has decided what message to tell one should include in the photograph all those elements that will help get this message across and leave out all those that will distract from it. For instance if one is taking a photograph of the Eiffel Tower, then that would be the main theme and it should be the only thing that appears in the photograph, making it not necessary to include one's friends or relatives in the photograph as in that case the viewer will not be able to appreciate either one as the person in question will appear very small in comparensence to the Eiffel Tower. It is my advise we should only photograph one subject at a time for he who tries to photograph to many things in one shot ends up photographing nothing. So in other words if we wish to photograph our friends let them be the only thing in the photograph and if we wish to photograph a monument or landscape let that be the only thing in the photograph as well. There is after all some truth in the statement "less is more".

Naturally there are other tips I could give in this article but it was these two that really helped to turn me in to the photographer I wanted to be; who after having completed not only this course but several others at New York's "Fashion Institute of Technology" and at Rome's "Instituto Superiore de la Fotografia" went on to get his work published in several magazines.

My first work published though not my last came in 1990 and three years after I had switched over to Minolta for a Polish magazine which is no longer printed called "Women and Life". It was during my long stay in Warsaw that I noticed a lot of homeless people and drug addicts appearing on the streets as the HIV virus had finally made its way to Poland. I felt this was something which needed to be shown to those not yet aware of this which to most people in Poland at the time was new. After having decided to take these photographs I got in touch with the editor-in-chief of the above mentioned magazine and asked her if she would be interested in publishing such photographs. At first she did not really know what to say but told me she would first need to see my photographs before taking such decisions.

I naturally the week that followed went about taking photographs of all those people I saw on the street with signs asking for money because they had been diagnosed with the HIV virus but still I had no photograph that truly got the message through of that despair that I was attempting to show. That despair that drives people to beg for money or steal or do what ever they can to buy a little bite of that drug their body so much cries out for. This was what I wanted but where could I get such a photograph or find a person or a group of people willing to let me take their photograph so it could appear in a magazine? This was the question I could not answer and despite having enough photographs to present; still that one shot was missing.

I am still unaware of why it happened specially when I so much needed it to but it did. One day when I was entering my building I saw a young man whose appearance was very dirty with clothes that made it clear that he had been sleeping on floors as he was probably homeless. He even seemed frightened as if I might tell him to leave the building or call for the police but just as I saw him the idea came to me and I asked with a great deal of enthusiasm if I could photograph him. It was then that this young man took me by surprise by pulling a syringe out of his pocket and pretending to inject himself. I instantly got the shot, not wasting anytime as I really was not going to ask him to repeat the gesture. I managed to catch him right at the moment when it appeared that the needle was about to enter his arm though the reality was that it was him only imitating an act he undoubtedly had done in the past and would do again in the future. As for the expression on his face; this was the real greatness of this shot if any were to be found in it. The way he in his raggedy clothes, who probably had been reduced by this drug to having so little left took so much relief from the escape that this drug, which to this day I am not even sure of what it was offered. It was a moment in time which I felt I captured so well, as it let one know for that split second how it might feel for someone in such conditions. I managed to take only one shot but this was all I needed after which I gave him the sum of 5,000 Zloty (1 USD which back then went a lot further then it does now a days) for his efforts.

The following week I handed my photographs to the editor-in-chief of "Women and Life" whose name I recall being Sofia Kaminska (though my memory may not serve me well on this one) who told me she might have problems with some of them. Her reasons being that they exposed people but she said this could be remedied by simply putting black spaces on their eyes to hide their identities which is exactly what they did. I all the same left the photographs realizing full well that I had done my part and that the rest was not up to me as it was now in their hands to publish these photographs or not. Fortunately for me it came about the following week that I was told that my photographs would get published which is precisely what happened.

There was something special about getting those photographs published that in a way made me feel for the first time that I was a true photographer. This being the case even though the money I got paid for them was barely enough to cover the cost of the film and developing I still felt a great sense of accomplishment when I saw my photos in that magazine which I knew to be one of Poland's most popular with my name listed as the photographer. There were so many factors but one of the strongest was the sensation that people all over Poland were looking at my photograph and seeing what I had wanted them to. I would go on to have more of my work published in magazines and newspapers, some in the states like the photographs I took of a shanty town in Lima, Peru and many others but there was something about those first photographs that will never abandon my memory.

With time I eventually lost my passion for photography and developed one for writing which is what I am currently doing but I do find it nice from time to time to reminisce of those years which I spent working as a photographer in which there was no place where I would go without my camera. Photography meant everything to me that feeling of finding something a person, a place or whatever and being able to capture it for others to see. It was that split second that I prided myself in preserving for the rest of eternity, that second that was so unique which would never return but thanks to my eye and camera would not be lost.

As for subjects which I enjoyed photographing, it is in earnest that I can claim that I had no particular subject which I preferred photographing as all subjects had something of interest to me weather they be people I saw on the street or in public places or inanimate objects or buildings or nude models. I saw beauty in everything and everyone from the innocence of the child to the dignity of the older person to the sexuality of the women who attracted me to the strength of men who I encountered which I felt I could bring out in a photograph by finding the right angle and light for it and how I would do my utmost to do so. Of course there was also the issue of setting the right shutter speed and aperture on my camera as well as selecting the right lens along with the right film that made taking what I considered to be great photographs a challenge.

The act of photography meant everything to me as I poured all I had in to them, my imagination and feelings were not spared from going in to those photographs which I took though strangely enough perhaps to some I never became sentimental about the photographs I took once I had taken them. I of course would look at them to see that all had come out as I had wanted it to but other then that I would not look at them much after. This being the case as to me the whole art lay in the work I did to obtain the photograph; to the point where the photograph itself held no meaning. I even went on to give away or sell many of the photographs; naturally keeping the negatives and the reason for this being that I wanted to be able to reproduce them to show to others.